


Humiliation

by sugarandspace



Series: Whumptober 2019 [25]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Embarrassment, Gen, Guilt, Post-Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, Self-Harm, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-05 04:49:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21202001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: He feels embarrassed about letting the demon in. How is he supposed to be a leader, when he can’t lead by example? He hadn’t been the only one possessed, but he had been the only one who killed someone.





	Humiliation

**Author's Note:**

> Last one for tonight!

His hand aches.

There’s a pulse in his fingers, a throbbing pain trying to find a way out. His skin is tender to the touch and Alec knows there will be bruises later. Pushing your hand through someone’s rib cage does that to a hand.

Alec doesn’t remember doing it but the blood on his hand that he’d spent a good half an hour washing away was a solid proof that it had happened.

As was the video. 

Clary’s shock.

The pain in his hand.

Alec is used to pain being a relief, this kind of pain a reminder of an intense training session. Not murder.

Alec squeezes his eyes shut at the thought. At the memory that’s a solid proof of his weakness. He feels embarrassed about letting the demon in. How is he supposed to be a leader, when he can’t lead by example? He hadn’t been the only one possessed, but he had been the only one who killed someone.

He couldn’t stay at the Institute but he felt hesitant to leave it.

He’d moved to the roof where he would be safe from curious eyes of the other Shadowhunters. There was no doubt in his mind that the rest of the Institute had heard of what had happened. He couldn’t stay there and see them looking at him with mixed expressions. Blame, pity, doubt - he wanted none of them. And he couldn’t face Clary or Jace, knowing that he was the reason their mother was dead.

But where could he go? Going to Magnus’ loft would mean that he’d need to explain to Magnus what happened, and he wasn’t ready to see which emotion would overtake Magnus’ face before he’d be able to mask it behind a carefully curated expression.

So for now the roof it would be. He needs to clear his head to figure out a better plan, and he can’t do that when the ache in his hand acts as a constant reminder. Iratze won’t work as the ache goes beyond the physical sensation, so he has to settle for the second-best. If he can’t take the pain away he’ll mask it under a different feeling, under a different pain.

The string of the bow stings but instead of powering through it Alec focuses on it and lets it take over his senses. This pain is different, this time Alec is in control and it serves a purpose. Being able to take it means he’s not weak, and he’s desperate to prove that. Most of all to the others, but he needs to start with himself.


End file.
